An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
You Might Also Like
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Natural selection at its finest
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee