An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
You Might Also Like
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
At ease
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
These work great until they don’t.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security