Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

May never get over this

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.