An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.