An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
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A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
this has to be peak English
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.