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There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?