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The Friday File.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks