An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
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MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
my first dose meeting my second
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Fluff me with a fork baby
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”