An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
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Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I cannot call her anything else now
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
don’t we all
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
watching gymnastics
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.