An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
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Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
My purse is deeper than some people.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills