An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
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Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
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Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay