An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
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Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
there’s probably a fee though
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I think about this a lot
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Alexa turn off the planet
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww