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5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
My inexpensive home security system…
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”