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Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.