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Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Remember during Covid, if you had family over for Christmas the police would show up and make them go home?
Does anybody know if this service is still available?
Thanks in advance.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions