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I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.