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The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Good news
