Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?