Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

😂

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

Thursday

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps