Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

Driving in Europe vs Canada

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.