Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

😁

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”