Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
You Might Also Like
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
sensitive skin
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo