Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.