Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.