Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
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H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.