Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

Before crowbars crows drank alone

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

never stops being funny

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.