Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
