Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
