Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

respect

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”