Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
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shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Jus’ sayin. 😐
As a doctor, I can confirm
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?