Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
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My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer