Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
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Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
At least my masseuse has my back.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Today’s tshirt
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.