Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*