Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

I have a type: disappointing

I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating