analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid
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Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!