Anarchy
You Might Also Like
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Tuesday
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Thursday Thought.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling