Anarchy
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I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
This hospital has everything
