Anarchy
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I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
when u come home smelling like another dog
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one