Anarchy
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[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter