Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

Great game to play with friends

Nothing.

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

I am absolutely never leaving this website

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.