Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

there’s music for literally every activity

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*

Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.

Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.

Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.

Me: Leave the military out of this.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.