Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that