Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.