Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

ㅤ

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

SONOFA

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.