Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

🌱🌱🌱

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?