Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
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It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Cha-ching is my safe word
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.