Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud

Me: what? What did I do??

Government: wouldn’t you like to know