Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

This is the best one I’ve seen

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

What kind of car does a sheep drive?

A Lamborghini.

Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later