ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
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Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
When I said I liked it rough.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.