Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win