ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
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If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.