@truegritrumble

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

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@daemonic3

me: $20 on pump three

cashier: that’s the cheese dispenser

@JessObsess

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

@rmfnord

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

@QueefTornado

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

@trims_the_fat

Funny how people get all angry when you break something of their’s that they don’t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.

@IamEnidColeslaw

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

@tweetsbyrocket

teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations

@longwall26

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

@Marlebean

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

@RobocopLust

A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon.