me: $20 on pump three
cashier: that’s the cheese dispenser
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
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I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Except marriage, marriage will kill you.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of their’s that they don’t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up
teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon.