Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

Ok, but like, how married are you?

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.