Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

Ooh I do like a good funnel

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?