Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*