Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
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Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
i cant believe ChatGPT lost its job to AI
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids