Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
this post was so formative to me
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
oppen heimer style lol
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.