@nuttywhippet

Ancient Chinese proverb:

man who go to bed with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger.

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@TheHyyyype

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

@dafloydsta

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

@bingowings14

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

@OllyiConic

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

@bea_ker

“Surely EVERYONE pisses in the shower?” I protest as I’m dragged out of Ikea

@KalvinMacleod

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

@UnFitz

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

@Awesomemom10

Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me.

*walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi