ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Ancient Chinese proverb:
man who go to bed with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger.
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Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
*our canoe tips over*
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
“Surely EVERYONE pisses in the shower?” I protest as I’m dragged out of Ikea
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me.
*walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi