Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
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This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I had to Stop for this
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.