Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
![]()
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?