Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
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Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.