Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
You Might Also Like
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Livid.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!