Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

Watermelon Boss!

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

Saturday

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.