[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
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That’s no pocket rocket.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all