@VYVYANCRAIG

Ancient Egyptian toilet paper

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@electrolemon

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

@bIessbaby

over 7 billion people in this world and u think I’m gonna chase someone who doesn’t even want me? hahaha

that’s exactly what I’m gonna do

@ShortSleeveSuit

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

@TheDailySchmuck

Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”

@dragonsorbet

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I like a man who’s well-informed.

ME: [trying to impress] The couple at the next table are getting a divorce.

@trevso_electric

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

@Idiotstopnow

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

@kingsleyyy

Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?