@VYVYANCRAIG: Ancient Egyptian toilet paper
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@stockejock: I'm already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
@JohnLyonTweets: Her: Hi hun. Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
@WilliamAder: Don't ask me if I have a safety pin if you're going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: Who wrote “WHERE ARE THE BANDAIDS” in blood on the bathroom mirror? Me: *duct tape around my index finger* Sounds like we have a poltergeist. By the way, where are the bandaids in case it comes back?