“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
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PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
oh shit
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Ha
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.