sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
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Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!