ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
Do ducks feel sad?
No, they feel “down”cast.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Wait for it
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
The Sun’s probably Asian.
