*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

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♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫


Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see


My neighbour told me he could hear me yelling at my kids through my open window but my kids are with their dad and actually I was yelling at the people on t.v.


The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.


god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]


him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes


Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter


I love going to the dentist. He fills all my cavities. Then checks my teeth.