♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
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Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
My neighbour told me he could hear me yelling at my kids through my open window but my kids are with their dad and actually I was yelling at the people on t.v.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.
god: men, do u want pockets?
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
god: lmao no
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I love going to the dentist. He fills all my cavities. Then checks my teeth.