@FunnyBison

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

You Might Also Like

@velvettusk

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

@MelanieMoore

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

@LittleMissAngr1

My neighbour told me he could hear me yelling at my kids through my open window but my kids are with their dad and actually I was yelling at the people on t.v.

@kirthyiyer

The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.

@NapVeg

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

@Marlebean

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

@4Crocs

I love going to the dentist. He fills all my cavities. Then checks my teeth.