Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is fake venison called venisn’t

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

Every
Single
Year

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.