[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
You Might Also Like
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos