[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
