[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
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First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.