Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!