Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
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*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.