Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
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Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there