Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”