Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
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Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though