Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
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me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …